Just like almost all man-made objects, buildings are made to differentiate between us.
There’s a front and a back side. High and low apartments. Privileged people have the letter A or sometimes B. The farther back in the alphabet, the worse the apartment. The promised view and brightness rarely coincide with reality. What can be expected of a city that turns its back on its river?
I’m convinced that separations, divorces, domestic violence, the excess of cable TV stations, the lack of communication, listlessness, apathy, depression, suicide, neuroses, panic attacks, obesity, tenseness, insecurity, hypochondria, stress and a sedentary lifestyle are attributable to architects and builders. I suffer from all of these illnesses except suicide.
“Before you started to apply to colleges, you told me this is what you wanted. You told me that you knew this was a shaky career choice…that you’ll get rejected a lot. You said you’ll get use to rejection because thats a part of being an artist.”—my father telling me about myself
i just got hit with a wave of doubts. I worry that nothing will come of me getting a BFA. That I wont get into grad school and my art will never be good enough. It will just sit in storage collecting dust forever. I have nothing else going for me…this really is the end all be all.
I have 4 or 5 more classes (thursday and friday are crits) and then I’m done and finals begin. This year has its dragging moments but for the most part I really can’t believe it’s almost over. Tonight the senior show opens. I am really excited to see it because I have no idea what any of them have been doing past winter break. It’s also exciting to go because in a year this will be me…it’s scary but exciting. My final crit is on the 9th so I’ll be setting up and having a crit with all the fine art professors so they can give me feed back on this semesters work. I’m dreading it because I don’t know how they’ll respond…but until then i’ll be finishing work and trying to make a few new pieces. My internship starts in about twoish weeks which is crazy. So much to do between now and then (like cleaning and moving out of my studio :/)
my day is sucked, i’m already in bed. It’s only tuesday but this week blows and makes me want school to be over with. The Only thing good that happened today was hearing that my best friend (nej) got her first full time cooperate grownup job as an interior designer.
there is nothing stellar happening in my life at the moment.
I havent seen my studio professor Moe Brooker since I lost the fellowship award over a week ago. I avoided him after the ceremony because if he talked to me I would’ve cried 10000x more and harder than I did (and I cried a lot, but like I said in a past post it was partially because of not sleeping) anyways lol he caught me on my way out the door to run errands and insisted well told me more so to bring him to my studio and spare 5 mins of my time for him. So we went to my studio and he told me he watched me in the audience while he was on stage for a large part of the award ceremony..so he obviosuly saw me fidgeting and shaking and then crying. He asked me how I felt when I lost, and I told him how I felt inadequate. He told me two stories on how he lost a competition and he felt the same way but look at him now, he’s in 15 museums and he has no idea where the winners of those awards are now. I told him how I feel as though my work is not what people like since he said it’s all about taste. Second story was how for seven years no one liked his work, no museums or galleries wanted to buy it but look at him now he’s in over 15 museums has shows all the time and etc. He told me I have good work and award competitions mean nothing even if right now they seem to mean the world.
just spent the last hour shooting some of my performative piece. Life would be easy if I had people to actually shoot me rather then me making makeshift tripods out of books, clorox wipe containers, shelves…lol but I like maybe three photos out of the 50 I took so thats a start. Sometime this week I need to do some of this outside in the public. Only if anyone knew what Im actually doing you would probably unfollow me lol…maybe.
I was on the phone today with my bestfriend from home and she was talking to me about her man friend and said something like “Its easy for me to tell you this, ya know because you’re my bestfriend” that made me so happy. I mean I know I’m her bestfriend and she is mine but lately no one who I was super* close with is there for me anymore besides like two people. To hear someone say it so nonchalantly really made me happy. I think it’s important to have friends who have your best interests at heart, someone who loves you and is there for the real shitty moments, some in-between moments and some really good ones. You cant just be there when it’s convenient for you, or when it benefits you.