My mother has been calling me for the last week or so and I’ve just let it go to vm. It’s hard to talk to her still, I don’t think it will ever be easy. It’s even harder to speak to her when I’m doing a project based off of me fearing and loathing becoming her. How does one speak to someone while they are creating art in spite of that person. It all becomes complicated to harvest dislike and love at the same time in the same location. My life has always been that, my relationships with people are just the same. Most people fall into the dual category of love and dislike. I listened to voicemails finally and well one said how she went to jail and the other said how she was in the hospital. These are the moments I question if I am human. How can I not speak to this woman during these times. I will always be like her, I wonder if she questioned the same thing during every missed birthday, holiday, graduation. Are we unhuman, or do these things make us just that, human. I called her, she didn’t mention the jail thing but we talked about the hospital. It’s hard to speak to a woman who forgets your age, forgets you’re in college…has no recollection of you ever telling her these things. She is shocked when she finds out i’m turning 21, that I’m in my third year of college and that I live alone in philly. It’s hard to hear her voice innocent without any knowledge of the pain and damage she has caused. She is a new born baby every conversation. She has no knowledge and she is pure and innocent. But I know the truth and I know she is not this child that she is a woman, but sometimes I forget she is human.
I didnt do much this weekend but sleep, watch movies, cuddle with my box of kleenex and eat. My life is so boring I really need to start being more social and doing things..a professor said to me the other day “you have more time than money right now, when you graduate you’ll have no time and no money” lol not the most supportive statement but she is right. I have time eventhough I really don’t but I have the time to make time basically (if that makes sense) I want to go out I want to drink and be careless instead of this mad crazy workaholic/sick college student I’ve been these last two months. Today for some extra cash I helped out at school for open house. I basically directed prospect students and parents to places around the school depending on their interest. I spoke about what it’s like to be a Moore student and cleared up some questions they may have. I also spent the majority of the time with one of my friends talking about our future (internships, and grad school). I’m considering applying to grad school abroad, possibly london. I realize I need to start applying for my summer internship, so that is what I’ll be researching this whole week. I don’t know where I want to do it, as for now I’m looking at new york and cali.
In like 10 mins I have to make a grocery run for the week and the back to the studio
I woke up this morning sicker than I was when I went to sleep
my hot water shut off mid shower
skipped eating since I had to get school
on my way out my landlady told me she had to do something to my windows so I had to wait for her to do that…I’m so annoyed with her. I swear she cut off my hot water on purpose …she told me yesterday that I cant shower at 3am because it wakes her up -___- I had to put her in her place and tell her 3 am is the only time I have to shower since I basically live at school…3 am is when I get back most days and it’s the only time I can shower. Then she tells me that maybe I should consider shorter showers. 0_o I’m lucky if I get a 20 min shower these days any shorter is not cleaning chemical that I use daily off of me
lost my keys at school
start building my canvas back..everything is is going fine till the frame all falls apart. My wood frame pieces are warping so I had to drill them into my canvas instead of gluing…realize my measurements are off and the frame doesnt fit…I have to cut my frame on the bandsaw and then nail it to together.
try to find my keys (my apt keys, studio key, school id)..cant find them so the only place I think they could be is the elevator shaft ( i swore they fell in the crack of the elevator) Get maintenance to freeze the elevator and go in the shaft…keys are not there -___-
later I find them hidden in the woodshop
got sketches done of my friends who posed semi nude for me.
So I posted a little while back about my upcoming photo project. The concept is recreating missed connections from craigslist. I am working with two other ladies from moore and it would be great if you could a) be our models or b) repost this so it could get out to a larger group other than just my followers. The assignment is due november 11 so we need people as soon as possible and must be in philadelphia area
But what happens when there is no room, what happens to the ivy. When there is no room does ivy just lay there static and wait for the other ivy to eventually die or move or does ivy eventually die with lack of space and the yearning to continue to grow. There is no room left and I’m wondering what will happen to me
wellI guess this is debatable depending on what you consider a painting to be. Some artist may call the process in which they print a form of painting and their end results a painting. The best way I can think to answer your question is by explaining my process. For these prints I used a copper plate in which I etched into then laid a layer of ink on top of the copper plate, did a series of wipes, I laid it onto the press and put my paper ontop of my plate and ran it in a press which puts pressure so the ink is removed from the grooves of my plate onto the paper
I’m sick yet again sighs, I never ever get sick but for some reason in the last two months I’ve been really sick. I get better and a few days or if I’m lucky a week goes by and I’m sick all over again. I’ll be going on my fourth doctor visit/prescription soon. I have no time for this. In lighter news despite school not having a delay my professor pushed back the critique that was suppose to be held today til next week. I made all my final prints today so now I have 6 well printed prints that I am happy with and then atleast 10 -15 other prints that range from good to okay. I’m going to spend the rest of my day painting my self portrait and taking naps in between paint drying sessions.
when I’m sad I have a tendency to call the first girl I dated, she doesn’t even make me feel better I think I only call her because she listens to me and I ran out of people who care…also I’m okay with crying while on the phone with her. meh I’m not going to tonight though because I just don’t feel like talking to her or anyone in general. I want winter break to come so I can seclude myself for a whole month from everyone. I’m not going to nj and I’m starting to think maybe I shouldn’t even bother making a few trips into ny to see people. I’m just tired I want to freeze everything and just so I can cry and sleep…that is all.
“perhaps it is difficult to see the value in having one’s self back in that kind of mood, but i do see it; i think we are well advised to keep on nodding terms with the people we used to be, whether we find them attractive company or not. otherwise they turn up unannounced and surprise us, come hammering on the mind’s door at 4 a.m. of a bad night and demand to know who deserted them, who betrayed them, who is going to make amends. We forget all too soon the things we thought we could never forget. We forget the loves and the betrayals alike, forget what we whispered and what we screamed, forget who we were.…i have already lost touch with a couple of people i used to be…”—joan didion
trying to finish my project for tomorrow but nothing is going the way I would hope …. I reread this letter from sol lewitt to eva hesse when I need motivation
You seem the same as always, and being you, hate every minute of it. Don’t! Learn to say “Fuck You” to the world once in a while. You have every right to. Just stop thinking, worrying, looking over your shoulder, wondering, doubting, fearing, hurting, hoping for some easy way out, struggling, gasping, confusing, itching, scratching, mumbling, bumbling, grumbling, humbling, stumbling, rumbling, rambling, gambling, tumbling, scumbling, scrambling, hitching, hatching, bitching, moaning, groaning, honing, boning, horse-shitting, hair-splitting, nit-picking, piss-trickling, nose sticking, ass-gouging, eyeball-poking, finger-pointing, alleyway-sneaking, long waiting, small stepping, evil-eyeing, back-scratching, searching, perching, besmirching, grinding grinding grinding away at yourself. Stop it and just DO!
From your description, and from what I know of your previous work and your ability, the work you are doing sounds very good. ‘Drawing — clean-clear but crazy like machines, larger, bolder, realnonsense.’ That sounds wonderful — real nonsense. Do more. More nonsensical, more crazy, more machines, more breasts, penises, cunts, whatever — make them abound with nonsense. Try and tickle something inside you, your ‘weird humor.’ You belong in the most secret part of you. Don’t worry about cool, make your own uncool. Make your own, your own world. If you fear, make it work for you — draw and paint your fear and anxiety. And stop worrying about big, deep things such as ‘to decide on a purpose and way of life, a consistent approach to even some impossible end or even an imagined end.’ You must practice being stupid, dumb, unthinking, empty. Then you will be able to DO! [The DO’s are drawn and decorated and very large.] I have much confidence in you and even though you are tormenting yourself, the work you do is very good. Try to do some BAD work. The worst you can think of and see what happens but mainly relax and let everything go to hell. You are not responsible for the world — you are only responsible for your work, so do it. And don’t think that your work has to conform to any idea or flavor. It can be anything you want it to be. But if life would be easier for you if you stopped working then stop. Don’t punish yourself. However, I think that it is so deeply engrained in you that it would be easier to DO.
but as great as this is it’s not helping me much tonight
My dads been very good to me today. We went to IKEA and I picked up a really pretty lamp, a chair and floor cushions for when I have guests. We went to lowes picked up a 8ft by 4ft sheet of wood in which I got cut down. Now were at buddakhan for dinner.
My father should be here in about an hour and a half then I get to go to home depot and discuss this door for a canvas, or buy a sheet of wood and have them cut it down to 6ftby4ft….some senior suggested that to me last night. Mind you I’m 5’2 so working this big will be interesting. Then Ikea to pick up things I have yet purchased for my apartment. Then lunch, I still haven’t decided where to eat I think my dad though is set on buddahkan. After he leaves I have to do major major work in the studio.